Lazy

Gosh it has been a long time since I posted anything, wish I could say I’ve been super busy..but Alas I have just been LAZY…..aiden takes up most of my day..he is going thru the terrible twos already. Of course he will be two in a few weeks, so he’s just a little early . He has started a habit of screaming at the top of his lungs when he doesn’t get what he wants,it looks like he is gonna bust a blood vessel he gets so upset .. I am trying to ignore the behavior and hope it will just go away, but it’s tough when we are here with Paul at the motel because I don’t want to disturb the other people in the building. Yes it’s loud enough to be heard outside the room ….
Scott moved back home Saturday, his 18th birthday, .. We let him come over the week before and spend the day and when Paul left to take him back to his brothers house I saw the pain and hurt in his face, and it broke my heart. So I asked him when he got home about letting him move back in. We set some ground rules, and I am trying really really hard to make it work , and Scott seems to be trying as well. I just couldn’t stand to see the pain in Paul’s eyes, so I swallowed my pride and am trying to be as mature as I can. Plus I miss scott also and am glad he’s home. I just want what is best for all my boys, and I can honestly say I would give up my life for either of them. They have been my whole world for 15 years so it’s hard for me to let them go , but I know that I have to.i just tried to make his life what I wanted it to be and didn’t let him learn his own life lessons.

I just don’t understand so many things lately, things have changed in such dramatic ways in my family the past several months, that some days I feel like their isn’t any ground under my feet, some days hardly seem real. Scott has really done some hurtful things and damage to our family. Yes some of it is my own stubbornness , I know that but not all of these issues had to get so bad did they ?? He is in Apex with Paul now and I haven’t seen or talked to hi in about three months, and it hurts to admit this but it’s been so peaceful here without him. I don’t have to put up with his hatefulness or his mean behavior . I don’t have kids outside my house wanting to fight at least twice a week. And I don’t have to go to the school to pick him up after he’s been suspended. The negative part is Paul is letting him sit in that motel room all day doing anything he wants, with no responsibilities. He has always told them they have to work or go to school if they expect him to support them, but the truth is it was just words. I can’t believe that he hasnt made him do more to change his future. Paul’s latest response to my question of what is he gonna do when he is 18 and has nothing, Paul said well I guess I will have to give him a job…. I was floored—- really, he does drugs, steeals from people, treats us like crap and the only thing you’re teaching him is that it’s ok daddy will give you a job. WOW
And the latest blow to my esteem —- we cleaned everything out of Scott’s old room and I am putting my tanning bed in their this weekend, so I found a notebook of letters to/ from Scott’s ex girlfriend ..he talked about how much he hated his parents, and liked seeing us sick or hurt, because he wanted to see us suffer. He said his dad wasn’t half the father he should of been, and then he told his girlfriend he wanted a kid a little girl and he was gonna name her Allison ( the name of the daughter we lost) at first I thought it was kind of sweet until I kept reading, he wanted to show ME that he could have the daughter Allison that i couldn’t ! SO I mentioned to Paul that we had found these notes and he should ask Scott about them, and after a few hours of Paul being back
At the motel I asked did he get a chance to ask Scott about what
He wrote and he’s aid yeah, he Sid it wasn’t that bad… I said well maybe you should read them ,, he got really upset and kind of I’ll with me , so I felt like he was taking Scott’s word over mine. I am very hurt that’ve didn’t believe me over someone has has been proven a liar over and over. I am still kind of processing this…part of me just wants to run away, but I am trying to think it
Through and sort it out, mostly because of Aiden and I don’t want him to grow up with a broken home, I mean it’s
Not like he would see Paul any less if we did divorce….we don’t go up to apex anymore during the week because Scott isn’t allowed to be around the other children because of his violent tendencies and some of the things he told the psychiatrist at the last inpatient treatment..how much worse could it be than wanting to kill a human being ??? He had told them that he wanted to see me hurt and lose as much as he has, now I interpret that as a threat to Aiden and it makes me worry, BUT I also have a camaro that means very much to me so it’s possible that he could be talking about that as well. I want to believe that he wouldn’t hurt his brother, but he has some serious mental issues, and he told the dr he was making plAns with another child in the neighborhood to kill a person, any person they just wanted to see what it would be like to watch the life drain away…and Paul thinks that’s normal teenage behavior.

Good news

My nephew had the surly for his pyloric stenosis and he did very well, he got to have 15 cc of formula at 3 and 6 pm and didn’t throw up much of it all .

What a day

So my brother and his wife welcomed their baby boy to the world Jan 16th . Micah Sims Sinclair ,he is amazing . However today he was admitted to the hospital for surgery after being diagnosed with pyloric stenosis. He may have surgery tomorrow after a day of IV hydration, he’s so tiny and sweet, I am so worried and afraid that something will go wrong.I asked for prayers that god will guide the hands of the nurses and doctors caring for this and all the sick babies. I do not want my brother to feel the pain of losing a child.
Scott is still in Apex with Paul during the week ,and he is still a difficult subject between Paul and I, I can’t understand why Paul isn’t making him work or anything ,just let’s him sit around that motel room doing nothing but watching tv all day and when he wants to going to the gym to work out and walk around outside, I feel as though Paul doesn’t think his actions were that bad— it was DRUGS,STEALING,AND LYING everyday ,it’s not like he just stole a pack of gum from the gas station or something minor. He was so messed up on drugs he was hallucinating and wanting to kill people ,and Paul thinks he is just being a boy. Maybe I am overreacting ,I don’t know …..I just can’t have him around aiden and him doing drugs. Why can’t Paul see that — even the psychiatrist said tht he was a danger to theirs and shouldn’t be around the other children because of his violent tendencies. I have this odd feeling that this is gonna end our marriage or severely damage it at the least .i also worry that Scott will be the kind of kid that tries to get even by hurting me in some way. Guess maybe I am a bit paranoid

2012

well this year hasn’t started off so well…. I think my mood has went straight to mania and I had what the my Dr referred to a a nervous breakdow, I honestly have been telling Paul for months that the stress from Scott was too much an it was overwhelming me, that with caring for a 18 month old, I always ask for him to give me a da on the weekend where I get to just sit amd him do the responsibilities of a toddler , but he says he is tired from work and just needs to rest–which is true he works very hard to provide for our family and has a stressful job, so i try to make things easy for him, but i have needs to and when I explain this to him –he only thinks its sexual….that’s his answer to everything  And for ,ke sex doesn’t = love its the small things that mean the most to me.

My relationship with scott is ruined—I got overwhelmed and completely overreacted and I actually hit him in the face –punched is more like it but I was so tired of the way he treats me -and i just lost it–which is what my dr said was the nervous breakdown, because after that instant i don’t remember some of the things Paul said I did and said. Thankfully i have an aunt who is like a mom to me and her daughters are like sisters and best friends in one for me.  I was able to go to her house for a while and talk to them

Holidays

Wow this year is going by quickly, they used to seem.much longer. But now that I have Aiden my days are filled with activity,a messy house ,dirty diapers and sippy cups lost into an unopened world .

Trying to Change

So many issues so little time and energy to type them all — My oldest son Scott isn’t here at the house anymore during the week, He goes with his dad to Apex until we get him into Job Corp,or another program that hopefully will help him. I am ashamed to say that the house is much more peaceful and enjoyable without him and his hateful attitude here, I do however miss him when he’s not here and we do things as a famiy, but we gave him many many chances too many if you ask me .

I also found out that Adam my middle son was sneaking out of the house over the summer too, so I have this feeling that he was more than likely doing the same drugs and smoking cigarettes as his big brother scott was- so we took his phone, Ipod touch and computer privileges away. We didn’t get him his license either and the only reason I haven’t pulled him out of school too is because he doesn’t mistreat the rest of us when things don’t go his way –

And because of all these issues I truly haven’t slept a peaceful night sleep –I always think that every little noise I hear is someone in the yard either looking for scott or some drug he has hidden around the house –I have to deadbolt my bedroom door to feel any sense of security at night ! I am gonna pray my way thru this and hope that whatever gods plan is includes me living to see Aiden grow up and my other children finish their journey to adulthood. I really do try to look back onto the days when I was their age and remember what emotions I felt -But I also realize I have a duty as a parent to pretect them !

Aiden is learning so many new things each day, it’s a pure joy to see him achieve new goals, when he does something for the first time his little face lights up !  He is a very ,ischievious baby thats for sure, he is into everything and anything he can reach and he hasn’t even reached the terrible 2′s yet —so I have a feeling I am in trouble when they get here !!! But I love every minute of it …

Paul and I are going thru a rough time with all the stress from the kids it is putting our marriage through the wringer and distance between him and I — He did inform me that i try to control way too many things and that I never actually want to talk but just want things to be my way–so I am learning to let go of control on some things and boy is it hard, because secretly I want it to end up a disaster if I don’t comtrol it so that I can say ”’ see i told you my way was the right way” but even I now that’s not helping my marriage any, and I owe it to my son to show him a happy life and how to compromise.