16 06 2016

The news on TV has been so tragic this week. A mass shooting in Florida  that killed 50 and injured 50+ . And a 2 year old boy was dragged into the water by an alligator and drowned. It makes me want to only have the television on Disney or sprout channel 24/7 . I know it won’t stop all the tragedies if I don’t hear about them. It makes me not feel safe to leave the house and still not safe if we don’t these days. I fear for my childs safety constantly . Things are not the same as they were when I was growing up .We could play outside safely and wonder up and down our street without worrying about sex offenders and kidnapping. Maybe it was bad then too and we just didn’t realize it. Maybe it wasn’t broadcasted as much then as it is now . I know bad things happened then as well. I just can’t grasp how some peope do the things they do to others.

Aiden has been in a defiant mood the last few weeks , and he is really trying my patience. I don’t spank him and he really doesn’t need much discipline. I guess he is just testing limits . I am trying to not lose my patience with him but its getting tough. I was also able to let him go to an amusement park with a friend this past weekend  I was worried the entire day but I trust her and knew she wouldn’t let anything happen to him . And he made it back safely and had a wonderful time. I am trying to loosen up a little . I still wait for the bad stuff to happen and something to take him away from me.

Our sod Adam is having his first child with his girlfriend and it’s a little girl. I am happy , jealous and scared all at the same time. They asked if they could name her Allison after his sister and we agreed. I had a hard time referring ot her by that name for a while, but I’m slowly using it more and more. Breanne ( her mom) is in the hospital with pre-eclampsia and wiil have to stay in there until she is born , and they plan to induce her on july 9th. However if her blood pressure becomes unstable before then they will take the baby sooner. I am worried that something is going to happen to this baby too and I won’t even be able to be a grandma to a little girl. and I am also afraid they will keep her from me and I won’t get to bond with her either. Of course they haven’t said anything whatsoever to make me think this way.  As usual it is just my paranoi making me feel this way

Long time 

1 02 2016

Wow it’s been a while since I’ve written —  mostly laziness !! We’ve had a tough need to 2015 and 2016 didn’t start off so great. 

My daughter in law wrecked her car and the passenger( her best friend ) died at the scene . She has been in ICU for 11 days and we didn’t expect her to survive — she has a long road of surgeries and recovery still to face — our 18 month old grandson was also in the car and he suffered a broken leg ! 

He is staying here with us until his mom is better, which may be months or even longer ! She suffered 4 mild strokes during her recovery process . My son has really made us proud and stood by her through all of it . 

15 12 2015

Adam and his girlfriend are pregnant .. I’m excited but part of me is jealous too . I want them to have all the happy stuff I truly do . But it hurts that I always had to struggle 

And I feel like a monster for saying or thinking this , but I wanted to have a little girl for Paul to treasure and love and God took ours away !! And I’m wondering how I will deal with the feelings when we find out this is a girl — and my instinct tell me it’s a girl 


17 11 2015

Well as you all know it’s already November — I have such difficulty from October – December .  I should have more children running through the house etc etc . I try to make the holidays as happy and exciting as I can for Aiden ! I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky to have him as mine ! Then I wonder when he will be taken away too . It’s not normal or fair but I can’t change the way it makes me feel !

 I probably haven’t posted about the hubby getting his pilot license ( as a hobby) and he BOUGHT a plane !!! Took our retirement savings and bought a Cherokee Piper 140— I can’t complain because he’s the one who had worked for the money and he should be allowed to spend it . But I wish he would take pride in our home and making it better !

Chicken-Jalapeno Soup “The cold buster”

3 11 2015

Trying this today !! The spicy stuff always seems to help when I have a cold

Source: Chicken-Jalapeno Soup “The cold buster”

Another Month

30 07 2015

July is almost over… 24 hours and it will be the last day of the seventh month of the year. Wow it has gone by so quickly this year. Of course’s  logically I know that it’s the exact same amount of time, but it just seems like its moving fast. I should be huge and pregnant and waiting for the birth of a new baby–but nope it’s not happening for me. My due date was sept 6th this year and most days I don’t think much about the miscarriage and then other days I realize the gestational period I should be and I feel so empty My oldest son Scott keeps wanting us to take care of his son who is a year old, and I just can’t. I know that makes me the most insensitive cold hearted grandmother in the world. But I can’t understand why they get a child and don’t appreciate his life and I get a glimmer of hope and then boom it’s taken away ( if you’ve followed my story then you know scott isn’t my bio son )   I know it isn’t the baby fault who is his parents are and that I should do better–TRUST ME I KNOW—–but I can’t help the way I feel . I want to finish the foster care process and get that license but part of me is scared of that too. What if we get a little girl ans she is the dream we have been waiting for and then she too is taken away –could my already broken heart handle that ? I tell myself that maybe helping children when they need me the most could help the healing process and repair the broken pieces of my heart and soul… But would it every stop hurting to see a beautiful sweet little blond haired girl and wonder why mine isn’t here ? ? I watch Aiden ( 5) play and I am still amazed that he is my child and I am always fearing the worst is going to happen. He is smart and caring and the love and bond we share is wonderful.  I love the other boys the same and we each have a different bond. I would be lying if I said that the bond is the same as it is with Aiden. They know that I am their biggest fan and that I will also tell them the truth good or bad but also that no matter what I will love them. They have been given the opportunity to contact their birth mom and they have chosen at this point not to . Not sure if I am happy about that or sad for them. I couldn’t imagine not being in Aidens life every single day , and I really don’t see myself making the choices that their birth mother made ( and it wasn’t drugs)

I have been struggling with the choice of homeschool. public or private school for him this year and I am worried that I will make the wrong choice for his future — sure wish this choice wa easier. or that I could see the future

be me

24 06 2015

Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don’t last long and then I am back to the why I’m not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don’t know –I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would’ve learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would’ve never happened …

Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn’t say no, but he wouldn’t make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn’t what I would have told him. he said we can try …but I can’t promise it won’t cause us problems —REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn’t have been so easy going in the beginning then he would’ve had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go…but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn’t let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don’t I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it’s because I don’t contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn’t.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .

I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .