30 04 2018

We had a good weekend this past weekend. Still having a hard time not hearing the words I love you from the man who gave me his last name. He does things that show love or care but won’t or can’t say the words . Are hearing the word that important, or am I just making them more significant than they really are ? To me it hurts to hold him or have him leave the house with just a bye babe and not say I love you.. so maybe they do matter.. at least to me. Am I just holding on for the fear of letting go and starting over ? Maybe – I have devoted the last 20 years to supporting his dreams and career , so I have nothing to offer anyone , at 44 years old I would be starting totally over lost. I am afraid that I will lose the man I love if I pressure him for just three little words . But when does what I need start to matter


Thanksgiving week

21 11 2016

Today is the beginning of thanksgiving week , which for many is filled with preparing the kitchen for all the cooking and for others means getting the travel plans ready for Turkey day ! I myself am cooking for  the boys and their ladies and the two grandbabies this year. I miss the bog family get together we used to have with my moms side of the family. It was the time of year we got to see all the cousins and their children and spend time watching them all play and interact. But as life goes on and we lose members of the family that becomes a lost tradition. I am going to make the most of it by giving my boys the meal and family gathering . Last year I didn’t make dinner. we went to Paul’s brother house and then the next day to his sisters house to spend time with his mom. We will go to her house this year as well the day after thanksgiving and enjoy the food their .

One of our traditions has been to decorate for Christmas the day after and I make turkey sandwiches and hot cocoa, except last year and Paul had the desire to decorate early. That turned out to be a major choice. He cojoled the neighbor into putting up some lights and we gave them the lights, then hours after he finished he was killed in a car wreck on his way home from his brothers house , it devastated us all as he was a huge part of our life. Every memory I have good and bad over the years of  living in this home , he is a part of / He was always there for our boys too , good and bad,


I’m Back

18 11 2016

It has been a log time since I have written anything on here. No excuse except I lack motivation most days .  I feel as if this is my therapy almost and boy do I have some issues !!!!

The latest thing to happen was another miscarriage on October 6th this year . 3rd one in in as many years. Good news is I am able to get pregnant on my own without major medical intervention. Bad news is my body doesn’t want me to stay pregnant . Today was a follow up ultrasound for a cyst that they found while doing the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage was complete. The cyst is still there and the uterine lining is thicker than the doctor feels comfortable with, so she ordered a CA125 test and another ultrasound in six weeks. I am of course going crazy on google and WebMD, and it’s making me worry too much. I do have PCOS and so the cysts are a normal part of that condition, but until recently I haven’t had an issue with the hemorrhagic cysts. So I am assuming my PCOS has reached a point that things are changing, in what way I really don’t know. And now my mind is whirling with they why now am I having these issues and what is wrong questions. And since this is Friday I have the entire weekend to worry and wonder. But if it’s bad news then that could be a good thing .. a few days of not knowing ( see I’m already expecting the worse).



16 06 2016

The news on TV has been so tragic this week. A mass shooting in Florida  that killed 50 and injured 50+ . And a 2 year old boy was dragged into the water by an alligator and drowned. It makes me want to only have the television on Disney or sprout channel 24/7 . I know it won’t stop all the tragedies if I don’t hear about them. It makes me not feel safe to leave the house and still not safe if we don’t these days. I fear for my childs safety constantly . Things are not the same as they were when I was growing up .We could play outside safely and wonder up and down our street without worrying about sex offenders and kidnapping. Maybe it was bad then too and we just didn’t realize it. Maybe it wasn’t broadcasted as much then as it is now . I know bad things happened then as well. I just can’t grasp how some peope do the things they do to others.

Aiden has been in a defiant mood the last few weeks , and he is really trying my patience. I don’t spank him and he really doesn’t need much discipline. I guess he is just testing limits . I am trying to not lose my patience with him but its getting tough. I was also able to let him go to an amusement park with a friend this past weekend  I was worried the entire day but I trust her and knew she wouldn’t let anything happen to him . And he made it back safely and had a wonderful time. I am trying to loosen up a little . I still wait for the bad stuff to happen and something to take him away from me.

Our sod Adam is having his first child with his girlfriend and it’s a little girl. I am happy , jealous and scared all at the same time. They asked if they could name her Allison after his sister and we agreed. I had a hard time referring ot her by that name for a while, but I’m slowly using it more and more. Breanne ( her mom) is in the hospital with pre-eclampsia and wiil have to stay in there until she is born , and they plan to induce her on july 9th. However if her blood pressure becomes unstable before then they will take the baby sooner. I am worried that something is going to happen to this baby too and I won’t even be able to be a grandma to a little girl. and I am also afraid they will keep her from me and I won’t get to bond with her either. Of course they haven’t said anything whatsoever to make me think this way.  As usual it is just my paranoi making me feel this way

Long time 

1 02 2016

Wow it’s been a while since I’ve written —  mostly laziness !! We’ve had a tough need to 2015 and 2016 didn’t start off so great. 

My daughter in law wrecked her car and the passenger( her best friend ) died at the scene . She has been in ICU for 11 days and we didn’t expect her to survive — she has a long road of surgeries and recovery still to face — our 18 month old grandson was also in the car and he suffered a broken leg ! 

He is staying here with us until his mom is better, which may be months or even longer ! She suffered 4 mild strokes during her recovery process . My son has really made us proud and stood by her through all of it . 

15 12 2015

Adam and his girlfriend are pregnant .. I’m excited but part of me is jealous too . I want them to have all the happy stuff I truly do . But it hurts that I always had to struggle 

And I feel like a monster for saying or thinking this , but I wanted to have a little girl for Paul to treasure and love and God took ours away !! And I’m wondering how I will deal with the feelings when we find out this is a girl — and my instinct tell me it’s a girl 


17 11 2015

Well as you all know it’s already November — I have such difficulty from October – December .  I should have more children running through the house etc etc . I try to make the holidays as happy and exciting as I can for Aiden ! I look at him and wonder how I got so lucky to have him as mine ! Then I wonder when he will be taken away too . It’s not normal or fair but I can’t change the way it makes me feel !

 I probably haven’t posted about the hubby getting his pilot license ( as a hobby) and he BOUGHT a plane !!! Took our retirement savings and bought a Cherokee Piper 140— I can’t complain because he’s the one who had worked for the money and he should be allowed to spend it . But I wish he would take pride in our home and making it better !