I’m Back

18 11 2016

It has been a log time since I have written anything on here. No excuse except I lack motivation most days .  I feel as if this is my therapy almost and boy do I have some issues !!!!

The latest thing to happen was another miscarriage on October 6th this year . 3rd one in in as many years. Good news is I am able to get pregnant on my own without major medical intervention. Bad news is my body doesn’t want me to stay pregnant . Today was a follow up ultrasound for a cyst that they found while doing the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage was complete. The cyst is still there and the uterine lining is thicker than the doctor feels comfortable with, so she ordered a CA125 test and another ultrasound in six weeks. I am of course going crazy on google and WebMD, and it’s making me worry too much. I do have PCOS and so the cysts are a normal part of that condition, but until recently I haven’t had an issue with the hemorrhagic cysts. So I am assuming my PCOS has reached a point that things are changing, in what way I really don’t know. And now my mind is whirling with they why now am I having these issues and what is wrong questions. And since this is Friday I have the entire weekend to worry and wonder. But if it’s bad news then that could be a good thing .. a few days of not knowing ( see I’m already expecting the worse).



24 02 2015

This book has made a huge difference in mt process of letting go after the last miscarriage

Back to NC

2 08 2011

We are back in NC —we left Florida thursday and drove to savannah GA for the night. Packing to go home was a major event. of course Paul was in a fit or state of panic because we had so much more stuff to take home. And not all of it was purchased by just me ot because of me. He had told me to take my time because we weren’t gonna e in a hurry and weren’t on a schedule. Well apparently his idea of ” not in a hurry” and mine are completely different. He was in such a frenzy, that I imagine his stated of mind was what the old southerne belles meant when they used the phrase ” in such a tizzy” ! I so disliked my husband during those crazy hours— He used plastic tote tubs to pack and we had food to bring back so we had a few extra tubs . 4 to be exact–well he eventually had to rent a U-haul trailer ( a small one) to get it back home in a decent manner ! After getting it packed and hooked to the truck, i think he realized how his behavior had upset me. I kept telling myself not to cry and I didn’t but I certainly wasn’t a pleasant person to be around either….

Tuesday already —Wonder how fast this week is gonna go by ? next week I will probably stay at home instead of come here to Apex with Paul.I’m not sure how i feel about that ! I so enjoy watching Aiden run into his daddy’s arms when he gets home from work, but i miss being at home too. And for some weird reason I am having trust issues lately


aHappy Birthday

26 07 2011

I turned 38 today– i remember a time when I thought that was OLD!!  And now I am here-i don’t feel like it’s that old- I feel like I am just starting to actually live  and enjoy life . I wished I would’ve had the wisdom of all that i have learned –a lot sooner. Or paid attention to those who tried to share ” the wisdom of their years” with me. I wonder what would have changed if I had ? Well I guess I needed all those experiences good and bad to teach me to appreciate the little things in life, like how amazing it is to wake up and look into the smiling face of my child– I think that had I become a mom many years ago when I thought I was ready I wouldn’t have cherished the moments as much as I do now- I would have probably thought it was too demanding– Of course it is demanding and very tiresome –but I love every second of it. I know the pain of a negative pregnancy test after the days of thinking you might be pregnant and all the symptoms that our bodies can trick us into believing are because of pregnancy. I know how much it hurts to cradle a newborn baby in your arms and the feel the tender skin and tiny fingers and know that you want that to be you –, or the feeling of seeing a pregnant woman with swolled belly and feet and look at her plump face and feel the tug in your womb so strong that you actually reach down and touch your belly , then feel as though you have been betrayed by your own body. I have felt the undescribable pain of giving birth to a child that you dreamed of and longed for –knowing that you won’t be bringing her home in your arms, but picing up her ashes in a cute pink urn that you chose from the funeral home catalog -while your heart was shattered and your world devastated.  THESE are the reasons when someone tells me things happen for a reason. or god works in mysterious ways, I nod because I now know there are truth in the words. I love every single second of my son’s life –I evern enjoy the sleepless nights from teething or a fever and take such pride in just watching him do the most simple tasks. If he picks up a spoon and bangs a bowl I think he is an utter genius and I am the only mom whose child learned to do that !  I take pictures of everything he does including eating -because I know that time goes by so fast and he will soon be a teenager who wants to be away from his parents.  My ” life Lessons” have been painful and seemed unfair at the time and I still have those days when I ask Why me what did I do –and then I start to count my blessings and I’m ok , I’m learning to live with the pain of my Allison’s death and like to thank she is my very own special angel, and I’m starting to feel comfort in the fact that I will be reunited with her one day in heaven –I read a passage in the bible that says that -the verse I can’t remember but I think it was in Lamentations ch 3 . I am finding comfort for my struggles by reading and looking for answers in the bible  yes I google it most of the time, but I am learning.  I guess I can say that this has been a birthday of wisdom ….

And all the wishes and cards have made me feel so loved