I’m Back

18 11 2016

It has been a log time since I have written anything on here. No excuse except I lack motivation most days .  I feel as if this is my therapy almost and boy do I have some issues !!!!

The latest thing to happen was another miscarriage on October 6th this year . 3rd one in in as many years. Good news is I am able to get pregnant on my own without major medical intervention. Bad news is my body doesn’t want me to stay pregnant . Today was a follow up ultrasound for a cyst that they found while doing the ultrasound to confirm the miscarriage was complete. The cyst is still there and the uterine lining is thicker than the doctor feels comfortable with, so she ordered a CA125 test and another ultrasound in six weeks. I am of course going crazy on google and WebMD, and it’s making me worry too much. I do have PCOS and so the cysts are a normal part of that condition, but until recently I haven’t had an issue with the hemorrhagic cysts. So I am assuming my PCOS has reached a point that things are changing, in what way I really don’t know. And now my mind is whirling with they why now am I having these issues and what is wrong questions. And since this is Friday I have the entire weekend to worry and wonder. But if it’s bad news then that could be a good thing .. a few days of not knowing ( see I’m already expecting the worse).

 

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24 02 2015

This book has made a huge difference in mt process of letting go after the last miscarriage





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18 02 2015

It’s been ove a week since I heard the words no one wants to hear, ( I’m very sorry but their is no nearbeat). I keep hearing those words over and over and I see the look on all the staff’s facw as we walk down the hall back to the room. I know they are trying no to show any emotuins at all. I also know that they have seen this same scenario as many times as they have given good news .It seems as if th world is totally off balance.  I see or hear or read about mothers who throw their baby away and leave them to die. How is this fair ? I truly am struggling to believe in God, but things like this happen and I just don’t understand WHY ????????

I took a pregnancy test last night to see if all of the HCG was out of ,y system and it isn’t. It turned positive immediately–how many times did I close my eyes and wish for that to happen and now it feels like moter nature is playing a cruel joke on me . Am I really this bad of a person ? And yet I seem to be missing the point that I have a perfectly healthy and beautiful four year old ! Don’t for one second think that I take him for granted , I am perfectly fine with him following me everywhere all the time. I never want to miss one second of his life that I don’t have to.

I wonder if maybe god has taken these babies from me to save me from  an even more worse fate that he knew I couldn’t handle ?  sometimes this is ,u way to rationalize the why ??? If I don’t then I start thinking again that I am being punished for something. I wonder if anyone who loses a child ever gets the answer to that question ?  Do I want to really know why ?  Paul told me that he cries when he isn’t around me–I foget that he lost a child too. I will always remember the way he gasped for breath when he saw the heartbeat on the ultrasound screen. He was very convinced that it was a little girl and I felt that it was also. Maybe we are never meant to have a daughter. We haven’t discussed trying again or if we are 100% sure that we want to go through with the foster care process. Only thing left is the home study and whatever issues they find for us to fix. Is this what god has panned for us , is this the way he wants us to have our daughter ?I know we would treasure her for the miracle she is . Again this is my way of rationalizing the why, does that ever stop – trying to figure out why????