Another Month

30 07 2015

July is almost over… 24 hours and it will be the last day of the seventh month of the year. Wow it has gone by so quickly this year. Of course’s  logically I know that it’s the exact same amount of time, but it just seems like its moving fast. I should be huge and pregnant and waiting for the birth of a new baby–but nope it’s not happening for me. My due date was sept 6th this year and most days I don’t think much about the miscarriage and then other days I realize the gestational period I should be and I feel so empty My oldest son Scott keeps wanting us to take care of his son who is a year old, and I just can’t. I know that makes me the most insensitive cold hearted grandmother in the world. But I can’t understand why they get a child and don’t appreciate his life and I get a glimmer of hope and then boom it’s taken away ( if you’ve followed my story then you know scott isn’t my bio son )   I know it isn’t the baby fault who is his parents are and that I should do better–TRUST ME I KNOW—–but I can’t help the way I feel . I want to finish the foster care process and get that license but part of me is scared of that too. What if we get a little girl ans she is the dream we have been waiting for and then she too is taken away –could my already broken heart handle that ? I tell myself that maybe helping children when they need me the most could help the healing process and repair the broken pieces of my heart and soul… But would it every stop hurting to see a beautiful sweet little blond haired girl and wonder why mine isn’t here ? ? I watch Aiden ( 5) play and I am still amazed that he is my child and I am always fearing the worst is going to happen. He is smart and caring and the love and bond we share is wonderful.  I love the other boys the same and we each have a different bond. I would be lying if I said that the bond is the same as it is with Aiden. They know that I am their biggest fan and that I will also tell them the truth good or bad but also that no matter what I will love them. They have been given the opportunity to contact their birth mom and they have chosen at this point not to . Not sure if I am happy about that or sad for them. I couldn’t imagine not being in Aidens life every single day , and I really don’t see myself making the choices that their birth mother made ( and it wasn’t drugs)

I have been struggling with the choice of homeschool. public or private school for him this year and I am worried that I will make the wrong choice for his future — sure wish this choice wa easier. or that I could see the future





be me

24 06 2015

Yeah as you can see I am having some issues with loving me !! I have always had low self esteem 90 % of my life, I want to believe the good things I hear and I honestly yearn for those compliments,but they don’t last long and then I am back to the why I’m not mode of thinking. I see others having what seems like the time of their life and doing what they seem to love and I envy them that feeling of contentment.  So what does that mean for me ?? I don’t know –I wish I did . But what I DO know is that I need to start exploring some of my own interests and dreams. I tend to be a cheerleader or supporter for others and put my own dreams and hobbies on the backburner. I gave up my EMT and Firefighter lifestyle to be with my husband and his boys , he was a jealous partner and I truly loved him and being a mom to our boys . I do wish I would’ve learned how to balance the mix better and not just let mine go. But I did and maybe because I did I have this amazing 4 year old laying beside me sleeping this morning. ..So if I could change the past ..would I ????? What-if this miracle would’ve never happened …

Hubby is getting his pilot license and I am happy for him and Proud of him, but jealous also. Because if it were me who wanted to do something like this I doubt that he would support it. He wouldn’t say no, but he wouldn’t make it as easy and enjoyable for me as I have for him . I once mentioned that I would like to continue my EMT career path and his response asn’t what I would have told him. he said we can try …but I can’t promise it won’t cause us problems —REALLY ???? What if I said those things to him, I think if I hadn’t have been so easy going in the beginning then he would’ve had to choose to trust me and watch me flourish, or let me go…but as the issue has always been.. my self esteem wouldn’t let me stand up for myself and fight for my dream. I just let his success be my success too . He makes sure he mentions that I benefit from his success, which I agree. But why don’t I deserve to have a dream come true ?  I keep telling myself it’s because I don’t contribut anything financially to the home, and as he subtly reminds me , he could find another woman to clean the house and not have to hold a job . This makes him sound like a horrible person , but he isn’t.. he is a great provider. And in the only way I think he knows how he is a great husband and father .

I watch other people post on social media about the job they have is the dream of their life and they are loving every second of it, and then I see these independent women on Blogs etc talk about the adventures that they have and I earn for that sense of accomplishment. Would I want it if I had it, would I wish that I was at home every second of the day to do whatever I want ??? I have no idea .





Light bulb moment

28 04 2015

Well, it’s cycle day 2 and of course the endometriosis pain is horrible and practically unbearable . I can deal with it though. I have to keep telling myself that it will only last a few days and I can make it . The only medication that I take is ibuprofen , at the beginning of January whe I found out I was pregnant I stopped every medication and after the miscarriage I never started it again. I shrugged it off when the OB kept remarking on how strong I was and how he was in awe at the things I have Been through and the courage I showed. I never believed it because inside I felt as weak as a wet paper towel ( and not bounty either LOL) . But as time goes by I’ve though about his comments and that other people have said the same thing, and I’ve began to realize I AM.. So when I feel as if the atrocities of my day are too much to handle and I want to reach for pharmaceuticals to help, I repeat to myself that I am strong, and tough and I can handle this . Whether it be the horrible vise-like grip of endometriosis,, the gut wrenching spasms of Crohn’s disease, the horrible diarrhea that keeps me feet away from a toilet , the I’m gonna surely die anxiety and panic attacks, or the I can’t even breathe without wincing in pain fibromyalgia, or the numerous spine conditions— I take a small amount of OTC medication to help and the tell myself –you got this– it won’t last forever — you gotta kick in to beast mode and beat this — and a you know what ??? It really works .. Most of my cycles I need Vicodin and soma to survive the first 4 days, but since the miscarriage this is cycle number 4 and I never took one prescription pain med or muscle relaxer.. Heating pad , lots of water, some hot tea just to soothe me and 2-3 ibuprofen and a good movie or novel and I make it through !!! So yeah I may sound conceited but I am strong !!!!!!





Sunshine

28 04 2015

I am sitting on my price swing and feeling the slow breezes making this day so refreshing . We have had a lot of rain the past few days . I don’t mind th e rain to much since I don’t have to go anywhere in it. I figure it’s just a part of life , same as the extreme heat in summer and snow and ice in winter. Just happy that I am able to enjoy the ups and downs of the weather. Fall and spring are my favorite seasons, probably everyone’s favorite . I love spring because after the grey days of winter we are rewarded with nice green grass and all the colorful flowers blooming and trees sprouting green shiny leaves !! The wild flowers are just as petty to me as the well planned flower beds . Roses of course are my most favorite of all. With petunias being next .
Fall of course brings all those leaves off the trees and makes us have to rake , I prefer to think of it as making leaf piles so I can watch my four year old have the giddiest laugh while he jumps in the middle. I am learning to see the beauty in things , which is a change for me . I wish I had learned how refreshing this was long ago !!
Speaking of this change, I think my feelings about trying to get pregnant
Have begun to change too ! Could it be my age ??? Or that I’ve reached contentment with the way things have happened in that part of my life .we we stil moving forward with the foster/adoption process. But even with that I’m not in a super rush to finish things . I’m just taking it day by day and think that I will enjoy whatever each day brings . I am hoping that this time next year we will have our daughter by whatever means she is supposed to come into our lives and family. I would love to have a biological daughter for that connection, but I also realize that maybe their is that perfect little lady waiting for the love we will have to offer her





Sandy toes and salty hair

16 04 2015

My mother in law had to come to Florida for a deposition and hubby and I brought her , so we are in Clearwater beach Florida . Don’t envy me….it’s to nearly as ideal and relaxing as you might assume it is. The best part of the whole ordeal is the drink I know I will order at dinner. Yesterday a yummy and delicious Bloody Mary with the jalapeño pepper in the bottom aahhhhhhhh. Tonight it’s gonna be a piña colada in the Malibu rum bucket. Yep decided yesterday what it was gonna be today !! You may be wondering why I’m not relishing in the fact that we are at one of the most beautiful beaches in the USA ? Well … I love my mother in law tremendously but she can be very tiring. She needs a lot of attention and has lately become less thoughtful of others , we are here because she was visiting her sister in law and fell in the bath tub breaking her back and she is using their homeowners insurance. She DID get a abad injury from the fall but I don’t agree with the whole lawsuit type of thing. If it would have been someone suing them this would be a different ordeal .she was an insurance agent and she knows what she can and can’t do with this situation. She blames the sister in law for not keeping the shower clean ,yet her home is never clean and was very unkept. The same reason she claims she deserves money from her sister in law . Now I know this sounds cold hearted but they’ve went through the last 17 years, making a living from one lawsuit to the next! They did work though. It my father in law was bipolar and he spent more money than he made and she was a hoarder and yard sale addict . Now she has had a stroke and can’t do anything much anymore . But she is a sweet lady and has always been good to her children and grandchildren. So I am happy to help her do things , because I believe we should help people when we can and always put others first if possible . It’s hard for me to live by those ways sometimes though, because I admit I’m a pretty selfish person at times and can get very cranky when I can’t do things for me.
We are in Clearwater beach and it’s stunning and busy for this time if year, I am sitting here at the window of our suite and I can see the ocean and yet I’m still complaining !!! What is wrong with me ?????
I want to walk the ” strand” and mingle amongst the other vacationers and the locals who are trying to show off their knowledge of the area they probably adore and wish we didn’t all come to visit so much . I can promise them that I will treasure and respect the area they love so much





Weird symptom

4 04 2015

Today is only cycle day 13 and I’m already spotting . I don’t remember ever doing this before , Except for a few cycles when I was on birth control period when I was 19 . I’ve been carefully monitoring and tracking my cycles since the miscarriage in February and this has me both puzzled and worried ? Hubby and I had intercourse Thursday and I noticed spotting afterwards and we had intercourse last night and this morning the spotting has been a little heavier than last time but not nearly enough for it to be a period . Well at least not so far anyway . So I’m worried that this is one of the signs of ovarian cancer , which has been a fear of mine for a long time. I have had abnormal Pap smears and once had treatment for HPV when I was 23, so I’m always wondering about ht reproductive cancers . I have had normal Pap smears for the last 9 years. I am due for one actually overdue and was going to have it at the OB appointment when they discovered the baby had no heartbeat, and I’m guessing they chose to not do it so we could deal with the news. Part of me was and still is hoping it could be implantation, but I really doubt that’s a possibility . I have been taking OPK and they have had two lines but the test line is never darker than the control line .
Have some things planned for the next two weeks so I will have to wait to make an appointment and just hope for the best . Wondering too if it could be still because of the miscarriage and my system is just confused ????





Changes

30 03 2015

Paul is officially working out of town again ! He returned to the company he used to work for and this morning he left @ 5am to go to Raleigh for a few months . Then I think he will be in Fayetteville nc for a while. It’s an adjustment and I’m wondering how tough it will be. It was nice to know he was going to be here every night , but as usual we will learn to make the best of it . Guess we will get to travel a little more again . I and trying to see the positive aspects of the situation. No sense to concentrate on the bad stuff, it won’t do anything but make life seem yucky, and I have so much to be greatful for ! And I need to concentrate on the good stuff .
And I suppose that means that we won’t be able to work on the whole conception thing as easily, but maybe this is a sign that we just need to go with then flow, and let whatever is meant to be happen . I amusing the apps that track my cycle and of course guess when they say ovulation should happen — tomorrow !!!!! But of course my body never does the normal expected thing anyway ,